Meet Suze.
Although she looks like a homeless beggar from the streets of Sydney, i can assure you that she is, in fact, a semi-intelligent young professional with a husband, a mortgage and a dog. Despite this idyllic existence, Suze has one unfortunate vice - booze.
What I'm about to report is absolute fact. I have not embellished the truth in any way, nor was i responsible for what took place over the course of 5 days several weeks ago, when i first met Suze in person.
But let me start at the beginning.
About a year ago, i stumbled across this blog. And i thought it was hilarious! I read 4 years worth of posts in a very short space of time, and lo, a cyber-friendship was born. Suze and I have been exchanging emails for yonkers, but alas, she lives abroad. So when i found out she was coming home to Oz for a visit, we decided we'd hook up for a real life meeting to see if our online chemistry would translate into reality. How bad could it be, i thought. She seems totally normal.
At approximately 5.30pm on a chilly Monday evening, i received the following text:
"Have arrived in Sydney. Drink?"
Alarm bells should have rung in my head. I mean, who has drinks on a MONDAY? Still, i agreed to meet her. She was on holidays after all, and i felt it was my duty to ensure she had a good time. Despite my fear that she would not be able to negotiate Sydney's complicated train system (being from the country and all), she agreed to meet us nearby our house, and we ended up at a local place for one or two glasses.
Several hours later, we were onto our 6th wine and i was feeling pleased with our meeting. Turns out we got on great, and she didn't seem to have any psychotic tendencies that i could see. But it was clear she could have put away another bottle of grog, so i had to be responsible and cut her off. I had work the next day after all. Obviously it wasn't me AT ALL who wanted to keep drinking into the wee hours. Definitely, absolutely not.
Day two dawned, and i met Suze and her husband Phil later in the day for lunch and a short tour of some places in Sydney that i think are underrated and pretty awesome. Yes, 4 out of 6 locations were drinking venues, but that was purely coincidental. Totally irrelevant. Lets move on. We ended up at what i believe to be a best kept secret in this town: Shady Pines Saloon. Its in an alley way, in a concrete building with a flimsy door and no sign save for an A-4 sheet of paper stuck to the front. But push that flimsy door open and a secret, wild western world reveals itself to you! There's cow heads on the walls, wood shavings on the floor and FREE PEANUTS! That's right, FREE PEANUTS!! Suze ate at least 5 bowls (I refrained myself to just one or two. peanuts, not bowls. I did. I DID!!), and enjoyed several glasses of my favourite concoction - freshly squeezed green apple juice and vodka. We calculated that we'd gotten more nutrients in one night than we'd had all week, which makes it basically a very healthy drink, which is why we tried to have as many as we could, to ensure further prosperous health and so on and so forth. And STILL, the girl drank me under the table.
ON MY OWN TURF.
Her booze addiction is such that she refused to let me leave even the dregs behind in my glass. She'd downed it in one foul swoop, claiming triumphantly that "nothing gets left behind!"
No indeed.
Now these two could have kept drinking, make no mistake about it, but i had to insist on eating before my stomach imploded. Further down the road was another joint i rather like called El Loco, which is a kind of a hastily put-together Mexican place with $5 tacos, cheap frozen margaritas and a hell of a lot of atmosphere.
All these elements put together made us veeeeery happy indeed. I'm not sure if I'm trying to do some sort of half-hearted peace sign in the picture below, or whether I'm telling the viewers at home how many more drinks it would take before i passed out entirely. As for Suze. Well.
Some of us were rather MORE happy than others. It was clearly time for me to leave.
The week continued in similar fashion. We took in dinner and drinks at Table for 20, a great communal dining experience in Surry Hills that's good value for money in this town. Everyone sits at communal tables, and we happened to be seated next to a group who had ambitiously brought about 7 or 8 bottles of wine with them. Of course Suze befriended them immediately, even though we had 2 bottles of our own. She tried to pull the whole "Yes, I'm from the UK, not a local, eager to meet new people and drink their alcohol supply" thing, but they didn't fall for it.
By the time Friday rolled around i was not only exhausted, but had been put to shame in the drinking department. However, it was Suze and Phil's last night so I was determined to put my best foot forward and go out with a bang. I enlisted the help of Jo and my good friend Turnsie, both seasoned drinkers, and we marched onwards to our first location, the Lord Nelson Brewery.
I arrived to find Suze in full disguise. Its no wonder, turns out she owes money right across Sydney.
It was ciders all round to start with, but Suze did not feel they were giving the desired effect.
Enter prune juice.
Well, it wasn't really prune juice. It was some sort of alcoholic, sparkling thing. But it was NOT good. It did get us happy snappy though. Here's the gals, ready for whatever the night would bring. That's Suze's lovely friend Kate, then Boozer herself, then me.
Ah, and here i am again, with my peace signs and my cheery "Holy Crap I'm Drunk!" face. The boys are looking...dapper's not exactly the word...stoned might be more fitting...
Aaaaaaand....yep. It starts to go downhill from there. Turnsie's pointing at his bald head with pride. Jo looks like his straining on the toilet. Phil's giving the "get a dog up ya" sign (apparently quite rude in England, though perfectly acceptable here). And SOMEONE is giving me devil ears. Fun and games abound.
But the fun soon turned sour. At midnight, we were unceremoniously ejected from the pub after Suze and I were discovered in the upstairs toilets throwing toilet paper at each other AND at other patrons AND out the window (she started it.)
But we would not be phased! We took on the streets of Sydney...
...and ended up at the all-time greatest dive in the entire city. That's right. You know it.
The Retro.
I'll caption the following photograph for you:
Suze: "OMG. What!!?? Am i hearing right? You're taking us to the RETRO??"
Me: "Hells yes! We are going to have the best time EVER!"
Phil: "Woohoo! Photo bomb!"
We put on our best sober faces and lined up to be let in. Success! Fast forward 20 minutes and 2 sexy ladies were on the prowl. Husbands? What husbands?
That thing we're drinking was made up of tequila, vodka, tequila, and cranberry juice. How many we had is up for debate. But it made us COOL.
Before we knew it, 80s fever has us in its grips. We were shaking it to 99 Red Balloons, Billie Jean and Living on a Prayer like there was no tomorrow.
At some point, our tribal instinct kicked in. This may look like a common rain dance, but its actually very complicated.
Meanwhile, we made the rookie mistake of leaving the boys to their own devices.
Here's Jo, soaking up some female love.
The place was swarming with henchmen ready to kick out any trouble-makers, but we didn't care. We laughed in the face of danger! Come and get us, we said!
Er. So they did. We got thrown out. OF THE RETRO.
WHAT!?
We were shocked and disappointed.
There's only one place (other than Maccas) open in Sydney at 3am, and that's City Extra. So we hightailed it over there for some late night burgers and chips, our last meal together before our two new friends headed back home. I'm pretty sure this is the last picture of the night. That brothel-red lighting is just the cafe we're sitting in. I mean we're not ACTUALLY in a brothel, no matter what I'm doing with my tongue.
Yep. We're just charming like that.
It was a great visit, and i think i speak for both of us when i say we had a LOT of fun and a LOT to drink. Some more than others. See you next time, peeps!
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