Salami-making for idiots

Step 1) Hygiene matters. Remove all animals from the premises. (Cooper, this means you.)








Step 2) Get yourself a few tonnes of pork.










Step 3) Pig intestines. Clean them.









Step 4) Stuff pork into salami-making machine. Turn handle. Watch salami grow. Marvel at all the rude things you could compare this to.

Step 5) No matter how hungry you are, resist eating raw pork. Go inside and get a biscuit.

Step 6) To avoid air pockets, a tight grip is recommended. See below.

Step 7) Tie the ends with twine and throw in bucket. Hang somewhere cool. You'll know they're ready when the place stinks beyond recognition.

Congratulations. You are now the proud owner of a brand new salami.