A debate about pets

In my opinion, every little boy should have a dog to grow up with.



In Maria's opinion, i'm smoking some hard out crack.




And thus, the debate about whether or not i can buy Jack a puppy rages on. I first broached this subject some time ago, in order to give his parents plenty of notice. "When Jack's about 5," i said casually, "I wanna get him a puppy. Don't you think he'd love that?"




My remark was not met with the enthusiasm i expected. I'm surprised i didn't get smacked in the face for suggesting it. I believe the phrase "ARE YOU ON DRUGS??? ARE YOU???" made several appearances in Maria's tirade against my suggestion - a complete overreaction by the way. And when we got down to the nuts and bolts of it, her number one reason for not wanting Jack to have a puppy was "I can barely look after myself!"




Well now that's a concern, to be honest. I mean she does have a small child in her care. And mothers are supposed to be nuturing. That's why i'm NOT one. But hey, she made her bed two and half years and nine months ago. I say she has to lie in it. For a while, i thought she was exaggerating. All jokes aside, she's an great mum. She's taught Jack to (for the most part) sit still while we yack away in a coffee shop, or go shopping for new outfits, or have dinner out. I mean i totally respect that. And I couldn't see what the problem was. Until i remembered The Bird.




The Bird once had a name, i'm sure, but no-one remembers it. His very existance seems a mere whisper in my memory. We none of us like to talk about him much. You see, dear readers, Jack has a bird. But once upon a time, he had two. Two dear little birdies that he loved. One day, we went over and passed right by the cage as we always did, expecting to hear the two little birds happily tweeting away. But there was no tweeting. No indeed, and when we went to check out the source of the silence, we found only ONE forlorn looking little bird left. Obviously, i launched into an immediete investigation of Bird Two's disappearance.





"Where's the other bird?" I demanded. "Nowhere", she said dismissively.



HA! Like i believed that. "Nowhere? And how did it get nowhere?"




Silence. "Did he...escape?" i asked hopefully. More silence. Then: "Not exactly."




A cold shudder passed through me.




"Is he...dead?" i whispered fearfully. She whirled around. "Yes he's dead! And i did it! I killed him!"




I gasped. Cause hell, i didn't expect to get a confession so quickly. That's not how Law and Order works. Plus, i was totally miffed that i didn't get to try my good cop, bad cop routine on her.




To cut a long story short, it was revealed that she had starved Bird Two to death.



I know. Brutal.



The other one only survived through sheer will power. Despite Peter's constant reminders to feed the bird, change the water, clean the cage, she simply...didn't. They lived, seedless, for who knows how long, until she finally discovered it lying dead in its own crap, it's little voice silenced forever. Yup. What a way to go.




In light of this, i was forced to weigh the pro's and con's of getting Jack a puppy. Here's my list:




Pros

• Jack loves animals and i know he will love a dog
• It will teach him responsibility and give him something to really love, besides me
• It will piss Maria off
• I will get it from the pound, which means i will be saving a puppy from imminent death
• If they ever have another kid, he will be too diverted by the puppy to notice they aren't interested in him anymore. So really, i am doing them a favour.
• It will piss Maria off
• Dogs are commonly referred to as Man's Best Friend. One day Jack will be a Man. See? It just makes sense.
• Once i take the puppy over and become a hero in Jack's eyes, my responsibility will be over. So really, who cares.
• It will piss Maria off

Cons

• The dog may end up having some sort of horrible disease and die, thereby inflicting unnecessary pychological damage on Jack
• The dog might run away, thereby inflicting unnecessary psychological damage on Jack
• They will have to spend more money on dog food to feed the dog and less money on human food to feed me
• Maria might kill it

So there you have it. To dog or not to dog. What do you think?