Stuff i watch. (Seriously. That's all this blog post is about.)

Right. So Jo and I have decided that since we pay good money for foxtel, we're damn well going to watch it. This may or may not mean we've spent an (un)healthy amount of time vegetating on the couch lately. I'll never tell.




We've made good use of our IQ button. We've gone ahead and taped about a billion movies and series linked many a bad reality TV show, and my ice-cream and jatz intake has tripled and I've turned into a fat lard, and now i really do feel like I'm getting what i paid for, and it is good.




What are the highlights, you ask? Let's review:



Movies

Changeling. You know, the one where Angelina Jolie plays a single mother back in the 20s who's kid gets kidnapped. Joy of joys, they find said kid, only it is not, in fact, said kid. See folks, police back then were totally corrupt. To return to the publics good graces, they go ahead and return any old kid back to Ang, hoping she simply won't notice. Good thinking guys. Angelina spends the next 90 minutes either in or on the verge of tears, desperately pleading for the police to please believe that this is "NOT MY SON!" Since she won't let up, they decide to chuck her in a mental institution, as you do. I won't spoil the ending for you, and jokes aside, i thought old Ang played the role very well. I'll give it a B.




Precious. Hands down the most depressing movie ever made. Ever, for reals. There's not even a particularly happy ending. It's just ALL BAD. First of all, she has an abusive mother. This woman's a real kick. Emotional torture is the nicest way to put it, and lets throw some violence in for good measure. Second of all, her father's been raping her since she was three. What a guy. She goes ahead and has his baby, who's born with down syndrome. Before walking out on them, Daddy impregnates her again, which means she has to drop out of school. But Precious wants to learn. A former teacher enrols her in a community college course, and for the first time, she's learning to read and write, even making friends. Then Mommy finds out. Says Precious better go ahead and give that up right about yesterday, and start lining up for welfare instead. Cause Lord knows Mommy could use the money. Baby number two is born, Precious is forced to move out and live in halfway house and guess what? Turns out Daddy had AIDS. And so does Precious. And if that ain't enough, the poor girl is utterly obese. This movie really disturbed me, and that doesn't happen much. Watch it to remember why your life isn't really that bad. B-



My Life in Ruins. TERRIBLE. It's got that actress from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding, which was Oscar-worthy compared to this crap. She plays a tour guide working in Greece who, through her group of misfit tourists, learns all about life and love and BLAH BLAH BALH. C-, and the only thing that saved it from a D was the Greek scenery.



The Taking of Pelham 123. Now this got panned when it came out, but i rather enjoyed it. I think it's because i love Denzel Washington. No really. I love him, even if he is fat in this film. A train gets hijacked in NYC, and Denzel's the unlucky guy on duty at the Rail Control Centre who ends up talking to the main bad dude, played by John Travolta who frankly, has seen better days. Anyway, Denzel's the only guy John wants to deal with after that, and from there, well, it's the usual action-y type stuff. People get shot, secrets come out, ransom is paid, train nearly derails...yadda yadda yadda and they live happily ever after. I liked it. A solid B.



The Hangover. We've seen it of course, but who can resist second and third viewings. It's movie magic. Naked chinese ninjas, tigers in the bathroom, vegas hooker weddings and a monologue about wolf packs. What more, i ask, could you want? My favourite line? "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Except Herpes. That shit'll come back with you." Amen. A+



TV

America's Next Top Model, Season I've Lost Count. I love these gals. The bitchiness does not fail to amuse me, and nor do the meltdowns and the tears and the fights and i especially love it when they have a makeover and have to chop all their hair off, suckers. That's whatcha get if you wanna be a model. Also, can Tyra Banks love herself any more if she tried? I really hope that one day she marries herself and lives happily ever after. The narcissism alone is worth watching for. A!!




Glee. My love for you will never die. When you have long breaks because of stupid things like the Commonwealth Games, (which by the way, nobody gives a rats about because a) of course Australia's going to win everything when our competition is England and New Zealand and b) the Commonwealth is practically dead), I want to cry. I need you, Glee, because you make bad songs like Jump popular again. Plus, you make musical theatre cool, which means there's still hope that I, too, can be cool. My dying wish is that you get Julie Andrews on. Then my life will be complete. Triple A+, and if you don't agree, you obviously need to apply for a new brain.




Relocation Relocation. Look, i like the Lifestyle channel. It doesn't make me a dork, so don't say it does. Even Jo watches this show with me, because hello, who can resist the cuteness that is Phil Spencer and Kirsty Allsop. It's all so British, and the scenery is always nice, and i like to see idiot couples make fools of themselves and faff about instead of making a decision. Faff is a English word, BTW, taught to me by this lady whose blog also gets an A+. She's pretty funny when she's not wasting time at work or being a total smartass. Oh wait, that's always. *sniggers* OK, so a definite A for Relocation Relocation. Moving on to....



Ace of Cakes. You guys, i don't even know why we watch this. It's about a bunch of people who work in a cake shop in Baltimore. BUT ITS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT! Firstly, they make really cool cakes - not boring ones. Everything they make is totally original, as per the client's orders, which sometimes makes for some random shit. Secondly, the guy that runs the place is called Duff. And that's just plain funny. Thirdly, now that they've gotten more famous, they do cakes for lots of movie premieres and stuff - like, they made Hogwarts Castle for the Harry Potter premiere. I mean. That's just awesome. Right? RIGHT? B +.



The Real Housewives of NYC. OMG. These ladies are rich, and have awesome fights. That's all you need to know. Trash TV at it's guilty best and i am totally addicted. A for the excess.



So, I'm off to watch more TV, and y'all can thank me later for the suggestions.